why did he go – Never had a white picket fence

Ring… Ring Ring… Ring Ring Ring…

I am not a big wearer of jewelry. What I wear is simple and has meaning. When I was younger, I changed out my earring often for fun, dangly earrings a lot. I actually have 5 holes collectively in my ears. I pierced 3 of the holes myself as a tortured teen with a stitching…

Living without you

Living around the corner from my husband wasn’t ever going to work. What I’ve grown to learn in my time away from him, is he still wanted to control me in certain ways and have the upper hand. I think he wanted me at my mother’s condo so he knew when I was and wasn’t…

All’s Fair In Love and War

When you feel apathy about everything, except thoughts of killing yourself, you know your life isn’t yours anymore. You don’t know where it’s gone, you don’t know who it belongs to, but you know it’s not yours any longer. I know very few things in my life to be true. I am 5’5” inches. That…

Christmas

By: Okate May 13, 2021May 15, 2021

Uncategorizedbroken heart, Christmas woes, going nowhere, heartbreak, where did he go, where do I go from here, why did he go, why would you, you broke my heartLeave a Comment

I had longed to have a family my kids whole life. It was just the two of us their whole childhood. I always went way overboard for Christmas in everyway because I harbored a secret about Christmas; I hated it. When I was growing up, my father had died and a large part of my…

Good friends stab you in the front…

So much was unearthed that night. So many questions answered, but so many questions still left unanswered. Could I believe everything I was told? I had no reason not to. The boyfriend seemed sincere enough. He seemed genuinely heartbroken and confused, as I was. He was full of all the information as to why my…

No time like the first time

While I was in the psych ward, I started spotting. Not a lot, but enough that I noticed. At first I thought maybe I had another kidney stone. I had no pain, just this annoyance of bleeding. I’ve had an IUD since my child was born a million years ago (19 at this point) obviously…

Thanks be to giving

Those first few weeks out of the psych ward should have felt like a relief but they felt overwhelming. All the choices I was faced with. What to eat, what to do, where to go, what to wear. Naturally it was going right into the holidays starting with Thanksgiving. I dove right back into work…

I’m crazy for trying and crazy for crying

The biggest road block to going “home” was not having one to go to. I was going “home” to mom’s condo. My life was still imploded. My life IS still imploded. Not one thing that has happened have I asked for, or wanted. My husband made all the decisions for me and wanted them implemented.…

I’m crazy

10 days in a psych ward. When I finally left there, I’m not sure I felt any better than when I went in. At some point, I think it became apparent to everyone involved in my care that time was maybe going to help. My life had shattered into a million little pieces that couldn’t…

So lonely

I didn’t want to get admitted to that tertiary care hospital, but I sure didn’t want to risk a whole weekend of being stuck in the emergency room. They listened to my concerns about why I didn’t want to be admitted there, that my smaller hospital was part of the same healthcare system and I…

C’mon down!

The next two weeks I felt like overall things were getting better. I even bounded down the stairs one morning straight into his arms and told him we were going to be alright. I couldn’t have been more wrong. We had our moments, but it felt like we were doing ok, making improvements. He was…

Something new, something old, something borrowed and something blue

We didn’t want a big gala for our wedding. At least I didn’t. If I had my way, we would have just gone down to the courthouse and gotten married, just him and him. He told me I could do whatever I wanted. Money was no limit. You may recall I had said before I…

Whale Whale Whale

I’ve been to Hawaii twice. I think it’s a magical place. The biggest reason I think it’s magical is because of the whales. I know, there are whales all over the world. Hawaii was the first place I got a taste of their majestic beauty and the abundance of them. I had gone with my…

Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones

End of September. I was just starting to feel better, just starting to get my appetite back. Just starting to drink more. Just starting to feel like normal married couple again. I’d gotten into work early one morning. I suddenly had excruciating lower abdominal pain. Is my appendix bursting? Do I have a bowel obstruction?…