Never had a white picket fence

Therapy

My husband had told me he would not do couples therapy with me while we were “trying”. After I was in the hospital I told him I needed to do therapy together. There were too many things left unsaid. My mind was too jumbled. I was too lost, hurt and confused without him. He agreed…

Ring… Ring Ring… Ring Ring Ring…

I am not a big wearer of jewelry. What I wear is simple and has meaning. When I was younger, I changed out my earring often for fun, dangly earrings a lot. I actually have 5 holes collectively in my ears. I pierced 3 of the holes myself as a tortured teen with a stitching…

Magnolia

I’m not talking about the Tom Cruise movie or the Joanna Gaines line. I’m talking about the magnolia trees as they bloomed this spring. Every single first without my husband has sent me into a tailspin, and I know it will continue but springtime threw me into one headfirst. Springtime is supposed the time of…

Living without you

Living around the corner from my husband wasn’t ever going to work. What I’ve grown to learn in my time away from him, is he still wanted to control me in certain ways and have the upper hand. I think he wanted me at my mother’s condo so he knew when I was and wasn’t…

All’s Fair In Love and War

When you feel apathy about everything, except thoughts of killing yourself, you know your life isn’t yours anymore. You don’t know where it’s gone, you don’t know who it belongs to, but you know it’s not yours any longer. I know very few things in my life to be true. I am 5’5” inches. That…

Christmas

By: Okate May 13, 2021May 15, 2021

Uncategorizedbroken heart, Christmas woes, going nowhere, heartbreak, where did he go, where do I go from here, why did he go, why would you, you broke my heartLeave a Comment

I had longed to have a family my kids whole life. It was just the two of us their whole childhood. I always went way overboard for Christmas in everyway because I harbored a secret about Christmas; I hated it. When I was growing up, my father had died and a large part of my…

Good friends stab you in the front…

So much was unearthed that night. So many questions answered, but so many questions still left unanswered. Could I believe everything I was told? I had no reason not to. The boyfriend seemed sincere enough. He seemed genuinely heartbroken and confused, as I was. He was full of all the information as to why my…

Odd man out

By: Okate April 28, 2021April 28, 2021

Uncategorizedall the little things, blended family, broken, broken heart, broken home, broken soul, broken women, husband, what i did wrong, where did he go, where do I go from hereLeave a Comment

So, as it turned out everyone knew about each other but me. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it. Their relationship was described to me by the boyfriend as “an open relationship but she was the only one living it,”. Him and I spent an oddly intimate Christmas Eve together on the phone and…

Nights of living depression

By: Okate April 24, 2021

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Have you ever tried to live with a parent as an adult? It’s no cake walk. I’ve done it before, except she lived with me. I just sort of took a backseat to whatever she wanted within reason and let her run the house. It was a peaceful enough co-existence. The shift that occurred then…

No time like the first time

While I was in the psych ward, I started spotting. Not a lot, but enough that I noticed. At first I thought maybe I had another kidney stone. I had no pain, just this annoyance of bleeding. I’ve had an IUD since my child was born a million years ago (19 at this point) obviously…

Thanks be to giving

Those first few weeks out of the psych ward should have felt like a relief but they felt overwhelming. All the choices I was faced with. What to eat, what to do, where to go, what to wear. Naturally it was going right into the holidays starting with Thanksgiving. I dove right back into work…

I’m crazy for trying and crazy for crying

The biggest road block to going “home” was not having one to go to. I was going “home” to mom’s condo. My life was still imploded. My life IS still imploded. Not one thing that has happened have I asked for, or wanted. My husband made all the decisions for me and wanted them implemented.…

I’m crazy

10 days in a psych ward. When I finally left there, I’m not sure I felt any better than when I went in. At some point, I think it became apparent to everyone involved in my care that time was maybe going to help. My life had shattered into a million little pieces that couldn’t…

So lonely

I didn’t want to get admitted to that tertiary care hospital, but I sure didn’t want to risk a whole weekend of being stuck in the emergency room. They listened to my concerns about why I didn’t want to be admitted there, that my smaller hospital was part of the same healthcare system and I…

Crazy for feeling

You know when you have those lightbulb moments? I had one last November that was not a shining one. I had officially hit rock bottom in my life. I hope I never go lower than I did then. My friend had to bring me to the emergency room because I went on a hunger strike…

C’mon down!

The next two weeks I felt like overall things were getting better. I even bounded down the stairs one morning straight into his arms and told him we were going to be alright. I couldn’t have been more wrong. We had our moments, but it felt like we were doing ok, making improvements. He was…

Something new, something old, something borrowed and something blue

We didn’t want a big gala for our wedding. At least I didn’t. If I had my way, we would have just gone down to the courthouse and gotten married, just him and him. He told me I could do whatever I wanted. Money was no limit. You may recall I had said before I…

Birthday Blowout

I have always looked forward to my birthday; counted down to it for over a month. This year I did not. I was not feeling exuberant about it. As with most everything that had been going on, I felt like it was going to be a big let down. I wasn’t prepared for the let…

Whale Whale Whale

I’ve been to Hawaii twice. I think it’s a magical place. The biggest reason I think it’s magical is because of the whales. I know, there are whales all over the world. Hawaii was the first place I got a taste of their majestic beauty and the abundance of them. I had gone with my…

Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones

End of September. I was just starting to feel better, just starting to get my appetite back. Just starting to drink more. Just starting to feel like normal married couple again. I’d gotten into work early one morning. I suddenly had excruciating lower abdominal pain. Is my appendix bursting? Do I have a bowel obstruction?…

Big Picture

This is where my memory starts getting a little dicey. I want to remember all those moments we were together those last months as best I can, even if they were bad, because I do love him. Don’t forget, even if it’s crazy, even if I am crazy, he is my husband, I do love…

First heartbreak

As a mother, you think that your child is always going to love you unconditionally. You know in the back of your mind, that this isn’t really true. I knew from the moment mine was born with those big cerulean, to turn brown eyes, I was hooked. It was an addictive love that I was…

The long way home

By: Okate February 24, 2021May 2, 2021

Uncategorizedadultery, broken heart, broken home, cheating, husband, infidelity, marriage, multiple sclerosis, never again, relationships, you blew my life up, you broke my heart, you broke my soul, you wrecked my life1 Comment

On the way home from vacation, we decided to visit my child at college. We decided to keep his infidelity a secret. On the way home, I would be driving, he was pretending to sleep a lot, and I would start having a panic attack, where I would start tapping at his leg saying ”…

We’ll always have Paris

By: Okate February 15, 2021February 16, 2021

cheating, Uncategorizedcheater, cheating, husband, infidelity, multiple sclerosis, Paris, you blew my life up, you broke my heart, you broke my soul, you wrecked my lifeLeave a Comment

I’ve always wanted to go to Paris since I was a little girl. The first international trip he and I took was to Paris. Everyone around us warned me about the trouble I would have going through customs, which I suppose speaks to my personality opportunities. I can be very tongue in cheek, sarcastic at…

Invalidation

By: Okate February 9, 2021May 2, 2021

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On vacation, I am not sure it was ever entirely normal. What really happened is I started begging for attention. In all the self help books you will ever read, they all tell you do not do this. I did it anyway. I was starved for attention. I was starved for him. I agonized for…

25 was my crisis

When I turned 25 MY life was turned upside down. Leading up to my birthdays, historically, I give a good month count down. When I was due to turn 25, 13 years ago now, I felt like the ships were at half mast… my life was half over… WHAT WAS I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!…

Broken fever and homes

By: Okate February 4, 2021February 4, 2021

cheatingcheating, depressed, husband, infidelity, sad, you blew my life up, you broke my heart, you broke my soulLeave a Comment

There I was, faced with pages, upon pages of an unfamilar cell phone number starring back at me from the warm sheets off the printer. I shuffled through them over and over and over. The phone calls happened 4-10 times a day on average. Generally one long phone call either “on the way home” or…

Before

By: Okate February 4, 2021February 4, 2021

Uncategorizedaffairs, broken heart, broken home, cheater, depressed, husband, infidelity, sad, trash, you blew my life up, you broke my heart, you wrecked my lifeLeave a Comment

I am the youngest of 3 children. It was always in me that I was going to be a nurse, whether or not I knew it. I was born a nurturer. Having a terminally ill parent, I made them my perpetual play patient, whether or not they liked it. Cold clothes to their brow when…

The Beginning of the End of It

By: Okate February 4, 2021February 4, 2021

Uncategorizeddepression, infidelity, you blew my life up, you broke my heart, you wrecked my lifeLeave a Comment

Around 10PM on a Thursday night last August, my life changed. Not in the way I thought it would. I figured out my husband was having an affair. He was in the shower. His phone was in my hands, which it hadn’t been for months. I don’t remember what I was looking up. In hindsight,…