When you feel apathy about everything, except thoughts of killing yourself, you know your life isn’t yours anymore. You don’t know where it’s gone, you don’t know who it belongs to, but you know it’s not yours any longer. I know very few things in my life to be true. I am 5’5” inches. That…
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All’s Fair In Love and War
Christmas
I had longed to have a family my kids whole life. It was just the two of us their whole childhood. I always went way overboard for Christmas in everyway because I harbored a secret about Christmas; I hated it. When I was growing up, my father had died and a large part of my…
Read MoreGood friends stab you in the front…
So much was unearthed that night. So many questions answered, but so many questions still left unanswered. Could I believe everything I was told? I had no reason not to. The boyfriend seemed sincere enough. He seemed genuinely heartbroken and confused, as I was. He was full of all the information as to why my…
Read MoreOdd man out
So, as it turned out everyone knew about each other but me. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it. Their relationship was described to me by the boyfriend as “an open relationship but she was the only one living it,”. Him and I spent an oddly intimate Christmas Eve together on the phone and…
Read MoreNights of living depression
Have you ever tried to live with a parent as an adult? It’s no cake walk. I’ve done it before, except she lived with me. I just sort of took a backseat to whatever she wanted within reason and let her run the house. It was a peaceful enough co-existence. The shift that occurred then…
Read MoreI’m crazy
10 days in a psych ward. When I finally left there, I’m not sure I felt any better than when I went in. At some point, I think it became apparent to everyone involved in my care that time was maybe going to help. My life had shattered into a million little pieces that couldn’t…
Read MoreC’mon down!
The next two weeks I felt like overall things were getting better. I even bounded down the stairs one morning straight into his arms and told him we were going to be alright. I couldn’t have been more wrong. We had our moments, but it felt like we were doing ok, making improvements. He was…
Read MoreSomething new, something old, something borrowed and something blue
We didn’t want a big gala for our wedding. At least I didn’t. If I had my way, we would have just gone down to the courthouse and gotten married, just him and him. He told me I could do whatever I wanted. Money was no limit. You may recall I had said before I…
Read MoreBirthday Blowout
I have always looked forward to my birthday; counted down to it for over a month. This year I did not. I was not feeling exuberant about it. As with most everything that had been going on, I felt like it was going to be a big let down. I wasn’t prepared for the let…
Read MoreWhale Whale Whale
I’ve been to Hawaii twice. I think it’s a magical place. The biggest reason I think it’s magical is because of the whales. I know, there are whales all over the world. Hawaii was the first place I got a taste of their majestic beauty and the abundance of them. I had gone with my…
Read MoreThose who live in glass houses should not throw stones
End of September. I was just starting to feel better, just starting to get my appetite back. Just starting to drink more. Just starting to feel like normal married couple again. I’d gotten into work early one morning. I suddenly had excruciating lower abdominal pain. Is my appendix bursting? Do I have a bowel obstruction?…
Read MoreBig Picture
This is where my memory starts getting a little dicey. I want to remember all those moments we were together those last months as best I can, even if they were bad, because I do love him. Don’t forget, even if it’s crazy, even if I am crazy, he is my husband, I do love…
Read MoreFirst heartbreak
As a mother, you think that your child is always going to love you unconditionally. You know in the back of your mind, that this isn’t really true. I knew from the moment mine was born with those big cerulean, to turn brown eyes, I was hooked. It was an addictive love that I was…
Read MoreThe long way home
On the way home from vacation, we decided to visit my child at college. We decided to keep his infidelity a secret. On the way home, I would be driving, he was pretending to sleep a lot, and I would start having a panic attack, where I would start tapping at his leg saying ”…
Read MoreWe’ll always have Paris
I’ve always wanted to go to Paris since I was a little girl. The first international trip he and I took was to Paris. Everyone around us warned me about the trouble I would have going through customs, which I suppose speaks to my personality opportunities. I can be very tongue in cheek, sarcastic at…
Read MoreInvalidation
On vacation, I am not sure it was ever entirely normal. What really happened is I started begging for attention. In all the self help books you will ever read, they all tell you do not do this. I did it anyway. I was starved for attention. I was starved for him. I agonized for…
Read MoreBefore
I am the youngest of 3 children. It was always in me that I was going to be a nurse, whether or not I knew it. I was born a nurturer. Having a terminally ill parent, I made them my perpetual play patient, whether or not they liked it. Cold clothes to their brow when…
Read MoreThe Beginning of the End of It
Around 10PM on a Thursday night last August, my life changed. Not in the way I thought it would. I figured out my husband was having an affair. He was in the shower. His phone was in my hands, which it hadn’t been for months. I don’t remember what I was looking up. In hindsight,…
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Never had a white picket fence 