We didn’t want a big gala for our wedding. At least I didn’t. If I had my way, we would have just gone down to the courthouse and gotten married, just him and him. He told me I could do whatever I wanted. Money was no limit. You may recall I had said before I was never the girl dreaming of the big lavish wedding. I still wasn’t. All I wanted to do was marry my husband so he was mine. I couldn’t believe this man wanted to spend the rest of his days with me.
We decided on a small wedding, with just us, our kids and our parents at a family house one of his siblings owns. We thought it was important that the kids saw us publicly profess our love for each other and share the day with them and our parents. It wasn’t going to be a big ordeal, just the eight of us at the house with a justice of the peace and then a dinner to celebrate after. But I was going to have the man of my dreams, that I had never known could really exist, as my husband, by my side, for the rest of my days.
We did have to travel some to the house, so it involved some coordination on all of our parts. Traveling with 3 teenagers when it’s your wedding, even if you’re not a wedding person is still stressful. We had a few days to relax when we got there before the wedding and the kids were all off in 14 different directions. I got to listen to everyone’s opinions about what they thought should be happening. I realized instead of arguing or getting upset about things it was going to be easier to give in because I really didn’t mind so much as I just wanted it to be simple.
The day came and went quickly. At this point, it’s almost three years ago. It was one of the happiest days of my life. He is the man that I love. That I want, still, for whatever stupid reason, to spend the rest of my life with. Not just because I promised to, because I have in my love broken promises, not nearly as many as him, but because I am lost without him.
We wrote our own vows. I included the kids in mine and our parents. It’s a package deal our marriage isn’t just about the two of us, it is really about the 8 of us. We had a sand ceremony where us and the kids took turns pouring sand in to blend us together as a family. His father read a passage(is that the word?) representing the two of us. I promised to love and cherish him, through sickness and health. Until death do us part. I meant it then and I mean it now.
What I remember most about that day is how I felt. I felt euphoria through my body. The smiles on everyone’s faces. The tears running down their faces. How happy he looked. How tenderly he looked at me. How I felt this is where I belong for the rest of my life. In his arms. By his side. Listening to him talk in sleep and putting his mind at rest when it needs it. Listening to his heart beat close to mine, steadily keeping my mind at ease. Making the pace of my life.
The pictures from that day tell the story. They are beautiful. Maybe it’s like your own baby where you think your own wedding looks amazing, but I really do love the pictures. We look so happy. I loved taking the pictures. They do capture us. I have in my drawer at work a few candids from that day that I can’t let go of. I just love him so much. I take them out and look at them and cry at my desk. I wonder what my life would be if I never met him. This pain is so unbearable. Searing through every aspect of my life every single day.
Nothing in my life had ever felt so right as that day. Having my delicate hands in his rough ones. Being in his arms. Looking into his soft brown eyes. With his love, and care and concern. The tears coming down his face seeing me walk toward him with violin playing the wedding march. Taking those pictures. Sharing it with our family. Being in the sunshine, finding the perfect words to get across the intimate feelings I felt about him with those closest to us. Finding the right shoes. The right bracelet. The right necklace. The right flowers. I had the right man. So I thought. I still wish I do. I still wish he will come around, out of his fog. Into my living nightmare to make it all right again. I can forgive but can I forget? Does love overcome everything?
Never had a white picket fence 